i've got a lot of packing to do! i'll be off to inverloch come this sunday morn. inverloch is a rural place which is 2 hours drive away, along great ocean road. i'll be visiting the rural communities and the rural health centres as well, so i suppose it'll be an interesting experience.

i'm excited but i really dread leaving my friends and technology behind. plus neither am i a fan of communal bathroom facilities or bunkbeds. and no shows or internet or msn is just unimaginable. haha ok so i sound like a spoilt brat now. i just pray that i'll have reception so that i can still call people up and yakyakyak the night away :] and i know that i need to get out of my comfort zone more. and perhaps getting away from all my usual distractions will do me some good. reminds me of the time i went to visit the amish community in pennsylvania. they have no tv, no internet, no technology. they live so simply, yet so happily. :]

haha anyways. its only 6 days! i'm sure i can survive. :]

try this!

found this site at jem's blog where you submit a photo of yourself to get your personality and your race analysed. my results were quite funny! apparently my race analysis profile shows that i am 9% eastern european, 39% southern european, 3% anglosaxon, 17% korean/japanese and 32% chinese. whoaaa. do i look exotic or what. HAHAHA.

for the record. i am 100% chinese.

go to www.faceanalyzer.com

sometimes, when everything is going my way, i sort of feel uplifted, although at the back of my head i can't help but experience an impending gloom of something bad that has yet to come. as though that state of happiness is merely a fleeting moment, the calm before a storm.

malfunctioning

my head feels hot and my stomach hurts.
the last thing i wanna do is fall sick. :(

walking away :: cecil day lewis
(an excerpt)

I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show -
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go.

surprises and sentiments

i feel empowered. i know that God wants me to do great things, to be a lighthouse for Him, and i feel so excited. :] just as i thought that the passion for Him was dwindling in my heart, i can now feel that it's coming back- stronger than ever. i now have a greater conviction, a greater enthusiasm to serve, and a greater hope in Him. i have never had a greater sense of purpose, now that i know that i will be a better servant in God's kingdom.

*

shu and joan surprised me today, and boy was it a good one. they totally had me! haha. this is what happened: shu came to halls to borrow a sleeping bag from joan, and then she came to visit me in my room and asked to see my anat book. then while she was looking through my book a very flustered sherlynn called me and asked me to bring her a plate, which i did, and left shu in my room by herself. so i went down to pass sherlynn the plate and met joan, who said that shu left her wallet behind. so i brought joan to my room to meet shu, and guess what?

i saw that i had a quilt on my bed! a QUILT! and then i thought that i might have gone into the wrong room, so i screamed. but then i saw shu in the room, and my pile of clothes on the bed. so it dawned on me that shu and joan had bought me a quilt! it was one of the best surprises i've ever had (i bet joan is grinning smugly now)!! it was so sweet and heartfelt and funny! THANK YOU SHU & JOAN.. i love the quilt and i love you both! it really made my day extraextra special, and i'm sososo glad for friends like the two of you. i'm sure the quilt will keep me warm and toasty throughout winter! :]

el: "thanks for the quilt! i like it veryvery much!"
joan: "thanks for being so guillible! you're the most guillible person i know!"

hahaha. joan is such a funny girl. and yes, i suppose i'm guillible to some extent. but that doesn't change the fact that i am a very lucky and blessed girl! now that i have a snuggly quilt i think i will make it a point to sleep early :]

so the day went by quickly enough, i only remember waking up, calling home, doing some reading- and the sky was dark before i knew it.
i love lazy sunday afternoons. but the thought of starting a whole new week of school again on monday is such a killjoy. :/

dad is down with a bad viral infection. :[ the moment i heard his voice on the phone, i knew he was ill. he sounded so hoarse i could barely hear him. mum said he was so sick yesterday that he had to lie in bed all day. it breaks my heart that i am so far away and not being able to see or touch him.

*

there are times when i feel like running away from it all.
escape is easy but hiding is difficult.
i should have known that ages ago.
nevertheless.
i will find that courage.
it may take some time, but i'm sure i will.

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

so much to say. but the words won't come out.

the gist of it is that there's a question in my head and i can't seem to answer it. and i'm confused. i feel as though i'm trying to bungeejump. part of me wants to be brave, to take that step forward and take the plunge, but part of me is holding back, afraid of getting hurt. don't you just hate that feeling of uncertainty, that feeling of being stuck, and ultimately going nowhere?

on the other hand, i'm so thankful for the wonderful friends i have. i can't believe they care enough about me to do things like listen to me rant and babble for 3 hours and be so supportive and non-judgemental. i'm so thankful that i'm Christian, and even more thankful that i have the Lord as my Father. :]

i think i have descended into a new low.
kr: "el! you sat RIGHT IN FRONT of the tutor and you fell asleep!"
i know i know this is bad i should be paying attention but i just feel soso tired, and the next thing i know, i'm drifting off to sleep. what is wrong with me. :[

just a quick entry before i head off to school. i woke up late yesterday and ran to school half an hour late. so i had lots of people come up to me and say "hey el i saw you come in late for lecture!". i was so embarrassed. i hate being late i reallyreally do. i'm going to make an effort to turn up early for class in future.

i also got my results back, they were pretty decent grades but i guess i was quite disappointed because it somehow fell below my expectations. but i suppose i deserved the grade for not putting in more effort, so i can't complain. well it's good in a way cos it has certainly made me more psyched up to work harder this sem! i'm going to study hard and get HDs! :]

*

medicine is a paradox. medical practitioners are supposed to empathetic in the treatment of their patients, and yet they need to exercise detachment from their patients. i wonder how i am going to achieve that.

school was aight. i tried very hard to concentrate but i dozed off anyway. people even come up to me and say "hey el i saw you sleeping in lect!" i'm not proud of it and i know it's bad. i just don't know why i feel so tired. i hope its because i'm still trying to adjust to school life after the hols.

we celebrated nesh's 21st birthday at midnight! he was splashed with 3 buckets of water and forced to down 9 shots and 1 bottle of beer. haha it was really funny but i felt so bad for him, the way they were tormenting him.. plain evil haha.. and they also shifted his mattress next to the toilet bowl and even wanted to hide all his clean underwear! oh man. for once i realised that i have rather sick friends and i was just glad that it wasn't my birthday. haha :] anyways.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NESH!!

i bought this box of sultana crunch cereal. i ended up playing treasure hunt in the cereal digging for the sultanas because i realised i bought the cereal only for the sultanas. i feel very stupid now. -_-

i am supposed to be panicking now. i havent finished my compulsory pre-reading. basket.

school starts tomorrow! i'm feeling a little scared yet excited, albeit lined with a tinge of dread. for one, i'm reallyreally happy to meet all my meddie friends again after not seeing them for a whole month, i can't wait to hear all about their hols and have them hear me tell them about mine, i can't wait to start learning about neurology (it is TRUE) and anatomy! i can't wait to be busy again (no wait that ain't quite true.. i still like bumming from time to time :]) just that i'm still not quite prepared for tomorrow. i feel like i'm still stuck in holiday mode, still replaying the events of the past week like stillframes in my head. i can't say i did a lot of productive or wild or fantastic stuff but i did have a lot of fun spending time with an amazing bunch of friends and that's what i think truly matters :]

leader's retreat was also good in the sense that it put me in a reflective mood and had me thinking about my faith in God and my life and my character in general. i also set some goals for myself for the next sem and made some new resolutions, which i think is important, if i want to find that motivation and focus in my life. i think i've been spending too much of my time thinking about the things that i don't have, when i really should be spending more time counting all those blessings that He has showered on me. i envy others but i forget to give thanks for what i have. in retrospect, i realised that i've done so many things that i am not proud of, yet i continue to receive wonderful gifts from God. i am truly blessed!! :]

and this is for my buddy.
HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY!
high time you started acting your age. heh just kidding! :]

no one told me
i was going to find you
unexpected, what you did to my heart
when i lost hope
you were there to remind me
this is the start.

and life is a road and i wanna keep goin'
love is a river i wanna keep flowing
life is a road now and forever wonderful journey
i'll be there when the world stops turning
i'll be there when the storm is through
in the end i want to be standing
at the beginning with you.

the past few days have been nothing short of fantastic.

on monday we drove up to the beaches at sorrento and frankston, and had a wonderful time taking pictures and strolling by the beach (although we were the only idiots visiting the beach in winter :] haha) and goofing around at the playground by the beach. after that we drove all the way to dandenong ranges to try the famous "pies in the sky". after driving up and down the ranges 3 times we finallyfinally found the pie shop. which. was. closed. :( aaaack.

tuesday was dining at dragonboat courtesy of derek's mom. i finally got to see the crown fire.. yay! :] we wanted to watch fantasticfour at crown but it was sold out, so we ended up watching mystic river at nick's place.

wednesday was badminton and meeting the newbies in school. and watched hannibal at nick's place. oh we also got our sem1 results back, which saw me freaking myself out over nothing. i know, it's just so typically silly of me. :/

and yesterday was superb! we went to lake mountain to tobaggan and had snowball fights with one another :] then we stayed over at nick's to watch dvds and played indian poker & bridge with jimbeam as the stake. jimbean makes my throat feel as though it had been scorched. i don't like it. which is exactly why it was the stake.. hahaha. oh and scent of a woman is really quite a nice movie. i like al pacino :)

school's starting in a few days time.. i know i should stop lamenting since i've already had my fair share of fun. it's just that i'm reallyreally going to miss all the good times that we've had this winter break :[

i cleaned out my wardrobe today and organised all my clothes and folded and stacked them back nicely so now my wardrobe looks extremely neat :] i almost wanted to colour-code them but i think i'm not so obsessive-compulsive so i just left it at that. i think i should sell some of my clothes away, since i hardly and will probably never wear them again anyways. i've got this abercrombie&fitch dark purple tee and this babyblue dry-fit halter from iS that i'm willing to part with. and maybe a pair of faded bootcut miss selfridge jeans as well so if anyone is interested to buy please email me or something and i'll show you the pics.

oh we're going to drive up to sorrento tomorrow! i'm really psyched about it. :] okok must absolutely go and sleep now goodnight world.

it's late and i can't sleep and i'm thinking about stuff which just leaves me more confused than ever. i feel like i'm.. hanging by a moment.

today's sermon was interesting. it started with a skit-- Oprah-styled talkshow and the like, only it was called Hoperah (haha) and featured 3 married couples who wanted to make their marriage work. it was hilariously rib-tickling! like some extreme-makeover thing. haha :) then we had john and helen burns all the way from canada come to speak to us about relationships. well i personally thought it was a good message and very relevant to all of us out there, so i'd like to share it with everyone.

friendship is the core of all relationships, and friendship seeks to bless the other person. a healthy friendship is dependent on loyalty, which shows in times of disagreement. a healthy friendship promotes honesty and openness, where you can be yourself and relax and recognise that you are loved for who you are and not who you try to be! you know that you are in a healthy relationship when you can run the race for Him as hard and as passionate as you want, and knowing that that someone in your life is able to keep up with you. if you find that you have to slow down, then it's not the best that God intended for you.

how do you keep the sizzle in a relationship? the trick is to stay amazed! i really liked john's description of 'being in love'. he likened it to a discovery of treasure in a person's heart and i think he could not have put it more aptly. a lifetime of discovery is what keeps a relationship going. appreciate the individuality of the person you love! a relationship is not about agreeing with each other all the time, it's about two separate individuals discovering the uniqueness of each other.

remember how a while ago i was wondering whether love was a sentiment or an obligation? i think i found my answer. john said that love is a decision. amen! nobody falls out of love, they decide if they want to stop loving someone. love is out there for all of us, but we have make a choice to do what it takes to get it.

so there. these are some of the key points i managed to jot down. i'm sure there were many other good points but i wasn't fast enough to write them all down. i'm no expert but i guess the thing about relationships is that sometimes we can really act like idiots and do things to hurt each other. we act like we don't care but deep inside we fear that we may be losing each other. but sometimes it's in moments like these that make us realise how much we really love each other and how much we need each other in our lives. the thing about a relationship is that it can never always be smooth-sailing and sometimes it may cause you a great deal of hurt and heartache but the most important thing is that you know that no one makes you as happy as that special someone in your life does, and vice versa. :)


"You hold me in your arms
and never let me go."

woahh i think my stomach is on fire now. just had dinner outside and we ate this spicy porkchops on rice dish. not that the porkchops were very spicy but when you eat them with chili oil your lips just become numb after five minutes. but the chili oil was reallyreally good so i just kept smothering my rice and porkchops with it, even though my tongue was burning. and guzzled a lot of water and chinese tea. but owells. i can be very silly sometimes. :/

church was quite funny today! i shall blog about it in more detail when i've gotten down to gathering my thoughts.

so i finallyfinally got down to watching sleepless in seattle. it was quite nice, rather touching and quite classic.

random stuff about today.
1. i like eggchiffon on rice with braised chicken.. yumyum. :]
2. i spent alot of dough again on the pretext of getting back-to-school-stuff. :/
3. we didn't get a ticket for parking 3hrs overtime. thank God!!
4. my legs are sore from walking. 6 hrs! imagine.
5. i should never, ever step into mng for the rest of my.. winter break. heh :]
6. if there was one word to describe my mood now- resigned.
7. i like the ending song from sleepless in seattle it goes like this "when i fall in love, it will be forever.." it kinda makes me dreamy.
8. always look on the bright side of life. ohohoh. we saw a lot of YELLOW stuff on the way back. yellow cars, yellow cabs, yellow buses. yellow is somebody's lucky colour. heh :]

why do i even bother? really, WHY?
basket.
i don't mean to be whiney but sometimes i just get so vexed and i just don't know what to do. :/

anyway. i just want to say this. don't take your friends/family for granted. i mean look at the bombing in king's cross and russell square. it's quite shocking innit. how many of us have loved ones over in london? i'm just glad that no one i know is hurt or anything. and to think the other day i was just musing to myself about how life is interesting because of its sheer unpredictibility and uncertainties that lie ahead. i can't say the same for now though.

i think i'm sick. sorethroaty and a bit lethargic. aaack. so i spent most of my day napping :( after picking up my study guide and doing the laundry. then i went to knoxcity later at night to have some coffee and chill with my friends! it was quite nice considering how long i hadn't seen big jem.. great catching up with him, though i was quite sad when i found out that he started smoking again :(

i think i'm the kind of person who enjoys doing laidback stuff, especially being in the company of friends and loved ones. bonding with others, sharing experiences and laughs, enjoying a nice cuppa iced mocha with vanila icecream (sans whippedcream) somehow makes me rather happy. :) or am i just easily satisfied.


with big jem(he's trying to flaunt his gold streaks. heh)//with sher.

with sher again! i love this pic :)//sandwiched in between sophia & jem. ok bad pic i know.

view of knox from the 2nd floor of coffeeclub//sophia's fcuk tee :] hahaha//iced mocha paradise!

i watched initial D. what an awful waste of time. it was in cantonese, and i couldn't really read the chinese subtitles. so i didn't really understand some parts of the show. plus the picture quality was bad and being pirated we could see people's heads and hear their laughter throughout the movie. the worst part of the show was the ending! if that lousy 2 mins worth of footage even counted as an ending. ugh. i feel cheated. :/ the show had a saving grace, though. it was like hunkfest or something.. haha. i think i am in like with jay chou! even though he isn't much of a looker, i love his boyishness, his surreptitious half smile and his dreaminess. and edison chen. he has this really cute lopsided grin. :] yeah so please don't watch this movie unless you really like jay chou, edison chen and shawn yue. otherwise it's just badbadbad. one of the worst movies i've seen this year.

on another note. i've only got 10 more days of hols! it saddens me that the hols are flying by so fast, and i've squandered most of it sleeping. :( this is bad i should plan my remaining days and maximise them. i reallyreally hate for school to start. i haven't even seen my timetable yet but i heard it sucks quite bad. sadness.

so i slept for awhile, then i got woken up by robin's call. and this is what i did rolling around in bed, with my camera.

i think i'm either still a bit tipsy, or i'm just very retarded. :p

after last night's drinking session, i feel a little lightheaded and headachey now. can't even remember if i did any foolish things except for the singing thing. so embarrassing! :/ i hate jimbeam bourbon whiskey. worst crap i've ever tasted in my entire life :( anyways it was quite fun playing indian poker and robin's funny game! though i feel quite bad now forcing people to drink up the whiskey, since nearly all of us had quite nasty hangovers. guess i got too carried away.. sorry guys.. my bad. :p

hokay my brain is a bit wooozy now. gonna nap now goodnight world.

pictures!
wintercamp.

with crystal//paint on my cheeks!//nickhu's backflip//with emily.

day at the museum.

gelati!//posing//jem&derek with their names in hieroglyphics//midgets

this is a picture of a possum.

i see them a lot where i stay. they like to hide in dustbins and pop up when you're walking past, like jack-in-the-boxes. or they like to stand in the middle of the corridor and when it happens i'm just petrified. i don't know why, but they just freak me out real bad.

sometimes i feel like a hole. i keep digging but all i find is emptiness. i think i know why but the escapist in me is just trying to hide in the hole that i've just dug.

okok enough of all the lamenting and crappy musings. basketball later! basketball makes me happy :]

i havent exactly been good and obedient but God is always blessing me, watching over me and providing for me. that's why He is my rock. no matter what happens He'll continue to be there for me, as always.

i called home and managed to speak to gran, uncles and aunts mom&dad and emerson :] i'm so glad that all is well and i hope dad's sore throat is better. he said its the durian season now and he came down with a cough and sore throat after eating too many durians. i miss durians i miss the way dad would bring us to pick out durians and how he would cut them open for us. i miss the aroma of durians in the car i miss the excitement of eating durian i miss how the fam would gather around in a circle sitting on the floor eating durian. i miss how dad would save the best ones for safekeeping in the fridge i miss how my brother would pop the entire durian in his mouth and i miss the way mum would make us all wash our hands with water from the shell. you see, for me durian is not just about the eating. it's about spending time with family. :]

had a blast today with jemng, nick and derek! we went to the city and did a lot of touristy things. :] first stop. queen vic market, where we had some brunch. ooh i saw camels! real-life camels trotting along the road with two little girls atop their humps. camels are reallyreally furry and they have huge eyes and long eyelashes and i thought i would never see one in melb but i did. second stop. we walked to lygon street and went to this famous gelati shop! (gelati is gelato with an 'i'. mmhm okok i think i watched too much friends..heh) and we got like three huge scoops for only AUD$3.60 which i think was super value.. the icecream was just humongous. but it was good. i like :] then we walked to our third stop, the melb museum, where we saw a lot of bugs, eygptian mummies and even got to write our names in hieroglyphics.. haha. so then we hung around outside the museum and took pictures and made funny videos. hahaha.
i must say it was really a refreshing experience to go out with just the guys. three guys, a girl and a museum. hehe. like we get to do a lot of funny stuff, goof around and just enjoy ourselves. with the girls it's just shopping and i'm really quite sick of shopping. there is only so much money i can have and so much clothes i can buy/wear.
so there. was a good day! probably one of the fun-nest days these hols. :]

there is this book by cs lewis called the four loves. it seems like an interesting book and basically it states that love encompasses the following four types: friendship, charity, erotic and romantic love. and i have wondered for ages if love is a sentiment or an obligation. i actually spent quite a long while pondering about it since i couldn't sleep and i think love is both a sentiment and an obligation. when we have feelings for someone, we establish a sort of relationship with that person and after that relationship is affirmed, we are sort of obliged to love that person. i hope i'm making sense. i think i do. or maybe i'm babbling again because i am quite tired.

sometimes i think i thrive on the insecurities of others to make myself feel better. which is a bad thing to do, and also a paradox because i'm insecure myself. i hate comparing myself to others but i still do. and even if i don't, i know some other person out there will compare me with others anyway. it's like we're all monicas. like we always have to win. to be the best at everything all the time. we strive to be the prettiest thinnest smartest most popular richest coolest person around but just what do we get out of it, other than some transient gratification? we know best but yet we still keep doing it. why? i tell myself all the time that beauty is only skin deep. but is it really? why is it so difficult for people to get past appearances?

sometimes, i can be so stupid. its naivety to the max. sometimes i am so guillible, i amaze myself. now i understand why my dad is always so worried about me.

i feel like fat monica now. i need a chandler.