it's all been done.

i wish things did not have to come to an end, at least not with us. there are a great many things that i could have wished did not happen, and a great many things that i wish we both understood and came to terms with. but i know
sometimes there are things that we always wish we could change, but cannot.
but life is like this, and it hurts but you still have to drag yourself along the
throes of heartache, and tell yourself that you have to move on. there are just too
many things in this mad world that we cannot escape from. and pain is one of
them. but at least i know that if i felt the hurt, then what i had was real.

i should have known that loving someone was never going to be easy. i probably
knew that already but i was too disillusioned to heed warnings. but i guess i
know if i had the chance to i would still do it all over again... every hurt is well worth the simple joy of having someone to love and behold; and because life is
nothing without love.

thank you for reading my blog but i really have nothing constructive to say,
life's same old same old (read: rollercoaster happy-sucky-happy-sucky but
generally alright) and i've been working... work makes me so pooped! i get
so lethargic by the time i get home and then i can't even summon enough
energy to do my work. i think i may have overestimated my abilities. :/
but anyway, phil gave me and sher free wedges and 3 large servings of pasta
yesterday- we offered to pay, but he wanted us to have it FOC. so that was really
nice... one of the perks of working in f&b. food and more food.

anyway, i'm leading bible studies later, so wish me luck! and now to catch up on
anat.

ambivalence is the kind of feeling i dislike having the most.
it's neither here nor there, and it leaves one hanging by a moment.
what do you do if you know something isn't really going to work out
(or at least it seems like it isn't), but you still keep holding on to it...
because it gives you a false sense of security. and because you
don't want to make a mistake you'll regret for the rest of your life.
or just because, letting go is too hard, too painful.

if nothing good is going to come out of it, i should just be strong and
learn to let go- but how can i let go of something that has been
a big part of me for so long? i'm too weak. and here i am, tired and
aching and disillusioned. the longer this drags on, the more hurt i am
inflicting upon myself.

Oh God, only You know.

good morning!
getting up at 11am is sheer luxury.
ok this week has really been so eventful and fun, not to mention
i've consumed more alcohol this week than i've ever had in the whole of
last year :/ and i need to go exercise before i get a beer belly.

right. i should really go and actually do SOME work now instead of wasting
time before i regret it.

i'm pooped!
had class from 8 to 1pm and worked from 1 to 5pm.
i'm knackered and my body is aching, but i'm pretty satisfied.
my boss is nice to me and i got praised today! so it was good.
ok gotta run for dinner. i'm having korean yay

i believe i'm finally done trying.
done with the time wasting, done with the wishing,
done with fighting back tears, done with the emotional conflicts,
and most of all, done with inflicting the hurt on you and i.

yes, i think it's about time i was done.
just let me move on, so i can find myself again.

umm, hello!

i got hired :) went for training today at periperi, and spent all of five hours
serving chicken and chips and wedges and smiling till my jaws ached and
counting money. oh, and i got burned by hot metal too :/ but apart from that
it was pretty fun, so yay to that. here's to more money for el wahoooo!

i'm quite happy that i got a job not because i get to earn more pocket money
but because it gives me less time to worry about other things and be emo about
it, and it also helps me battle that sense of hopelessness that drapes itself like a
cloak on my shoulders. (gah)

last night we went to a jazz bar for nick's birthday celebration. apparently, i have very low tolerance for alcohol. but we had fun :) nesh's birthday is tomorrow

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NESH!

these days i find that i'm getting hungrier for God, and His word. it's a good

thing, and i'm thankful for so much, even if i'm hurting. ok i'm pooped. bye

school starts tomorrow, argh!/yay!
feeling ambivalent about it because when school starts, i'll be more busy
and when i'm busy, i'll spend more time panicking and less time being emo

these days i feel like i'm in low spirits, but i'm praying more and talking to
God more, and He gives me a lot of strength to deal with my problems,
which is good, by the way. the other day i was feeling so down and alone,
but now i don't feel so alone after all. because i know God is here for me! and
He has placed so many wonderful people in my life, so for the time being i am
happy and cheerful.

also because it's nick's birthday today! i thank God so much for him, that He
has blessed nick with a good 22 years and enriched such a wonderful individual.
i thank God for giving me this special person in my life, so that i may learn
how to love truly and deeply, in good times and bad.

happy birthday my dearest!

love you so much.

YYY

no matter how hard i try
it still hurts :_(

i'm am back in melbourne and it feels so great! :)

i was incredibly jet lagged yesterday and i slept for ages.
when i woke up today and checked the clock i got a huge shock,
because it was 3PM! i checked my phone clock to make sure and
yes it was 3PM indeed. so i panicked and changed in 10 minutes
and hopped onto a bus to chaddy to get my shopping done! haha.
(the reason why i panicked was because shops close at 530PM on
weekdays and i only had 2 hours to shop! haha)

so i maximised my two hours there and got some really great deals!
first i bought a white chloe paddington replica!

that's the real chloe which costs US$1380, which i can only afford in five years time (i hope). isn't it a beauty? it's like the It bag of the season now.

so i will have to contend with the replica for now.
i was actually torn between the black and white one, since i have this
tendency to not buy white bags, because they stain easily. and also due to
the fact that i love black bags because i think they look so classic and stylish.
i wish they had the bag in camel, because it looks so absolutely leathery and plush! but if i am not wrong white bags are in this summer season, and since i don't have a white bag, i decided to get the white instead.
it looks really nice and pristine and the best part is it's pretty roomy,
and i can use it for school!

then i also got this pair of crochet mules and this other pair of quirky
woven flats!

the best part is, i got really good prices for my bag and shoes, so i went home
happy without burning a hole in my pocket. :)
now i feel very excited and ready for school. yay! i love shopping for back-to-
school stuff! :D

i am leaving this place soon!
i'm really glad to go back to melb and regain my freedom :)
but at the same time, i am so glad for time spent with family.
even though there have been times where i felt like all i wanted
to do was to get out of singapore as soon as possible, being around
family is still nice.. of course. i'm so glad i got to meet up with so many
people. and i am so thankful that God has really watched over me well
and showered me with blessings abundantly during this time.

so long my dears, au revoir singapour!

oh yeah. how could france lose?! i feel so sorry for zizou and henry.
italy bad. RAWRRR :S

twas a great day today! productive, in a sense.
i met up with so many people today so i'm very pleased now :)

it was really funny i had crystal jade with joyce, then i met jo, who's back from
loughborough. i was saying how i hadn't seen the UK/US people for yonks, when she
told me that qiuyun was back. so anyhoos, we were going over to paragon when all of
a sudden there was a shrill high pitched voice behind us and lo and behold, it was song
qiuyun in the flesh. HAHA! serendipity. i asked her how come she knew it was us, and
she said 'i heard someone talking, and i thought to myself, only eleanor speaks like that'.
okayyy. how is my speaking unique? haha :/ and then i bumped into xinying at paragon.
talk about singapore being such a small small world. or like i told jo, maybe everyone
hangs out at orchard.

jo and i sat at dome reminiscing and recounting what we'd done in the past year, over
glasses of iced mocha. she told me about her travels, especially her trip to morocco, which was really interesting but also very frightening. :S then we caught up with sok yuying and sip and flea at coffeebean and sat there for a good three hours bumming and chatting and taking photos.
flea is still sososo tall :( but it was good seeing her after so long! :D


with flea with joanna with sippy with yuying & sok!

argh i think i need to change camera. my antique minolta was the brunt of jokes this
afternoon. they kept laughing at my poor cam! what bullies. haha. all because sip's cam is
also a minolta, but her camera screen is like 4 times the size of mine. how can that be?! :(
anyway, i had a really good time out today. nothing better than catching up with old pals!
i am leaving this place in 2 days time! life will be soon back to normal and the stresses of
academic life will be back to haunt me once again :/

i saw a pretty yellow dress at zara today! tried it on while waiting for jo to come.
it's so pretty! my favourite colour of the season is canary yellow/bright yellow :)
i would have bought it but it's 100ish. so much for the zara sale. they bluff people!
and in what way is reducing an 80$ skirt to 65$ called a sale?!

see, it's such a lovely dress right? i planned to get it for medball.
but i have to save money cos i've been spending! so no dress for me*wails* :(

looking back on old photographs is like sifting through troves of old memories.

i look at each picture and reminisce on the times when i was looking so chubby-
cheeked, so silly, unglam and sometimes horrific (haha) ..and yet so blissful, in a way.
like this one here, i was at my fattest, but i was really happy (see, sparkly eyes!)

sometimes these photos make me laugh out loud, at the sheer silliness of it all!
sometimes they make me miss the people i don't get to see very often :(
sometimes they make me feel sad, because things are never the same,
and how i miss the good old days... i wish i could turn back the clock and relive
those moments again, and treasure them for eternity.
but there is a reason why there is no rewind button in life.
if we could all backtrack to our happiest and gloriest moments,
then our most precious memories would cease to exist, and we would start to
take people for granted.

looking at pictures is such an activity that triggers so many memories,
all at once! 'oh remember so and so' 'we were at this place' 'and we did that'
stillframes haphazardly arranging themselves into an animated mosaic.
looking back is such a joy, yet the aftertaste is bittersweet;
sort of like biting into a bar of chocolat noir...

i love recalling all the happy events in my past, especially those spent with
the ones i love and cherish the most
yet there is an ache in my heart where i wished that things were still the same,
if not better; wishing that i hadn't done that, or that i should have
done this instead, and etcetera.

sometimes we don't want to remember
and sometimes all we want to do is forget
especially when the present is not as good as the past

there are so many instances in which i feel a surge of powerful emotions
just by looking at these photographs, remnants of the past

i miss you a lot! the europe girls, jialin, addie, sally
the doubleseaters gang, kwanyi, moi, jialin, dawn & sab
and my beloved basketball and softball girls
403, 2S03B

i thank God for putting all these people in my life
the old friends, as well as the new found ones
especially nick, who has given me so much happy times,
and walked me through my valleys.

blessed is a child of the Lord! Y

les bleus won! YAY! :)
allez allez allez les bleus!

i really hope france wins the world cup.
they've got henry and zizou
they'd better win HAHA

i just spilt iced water on myself
a (rare?) moment of spasticity.
if nick were here he would have laughed at me like non-stop
and the poking would ensue for the next three days
i'll bet, haha

i kind of enjoy getting teased by nick sometimes
its fun, in a silly kind of way
because i end up laughing at myself
(even though my initial reaction is to be defensive)
is that not joy ?
haha

i really, really want to go back to melbourne
like right now

embarassing embarassing embarrassing
today i went for a short run, in my old raffles t-shirt
and omgosh this guy i ran past, he had the same shirt!
i was so mortified. i think he was too.
i saw the crest like 10metres away and was thinking how i could
avoid crossing his path. i think we were trying to dodge each other.
he had this sheepish look on his face,
i tried to look for coins on the ground
haha please tell me what are the chances of running past some guy in the
same shirt as you :/ fashion faux pas haha.

7 more days!
i can't wait.

my cousin aaron's wedding! on the 1st of july 2006.

the happy couple! // me & emerson // my pretty cousin anne! //
me, carol & aaron, plus my folks

aaron's wedding was awesome! it's so wonderful to see two people
so deeply in love tie the knot and be united as one! that Christ has
brought these two people from two different continents to be with
each other in love! i'm so happy for the loving newly-weds :) makes
me wonder when i'll ever get married to the love of my life, and what
it'll be like.. haha. i can't wait, really.
in good time, in good time i will. let's say 6 years from now? i hope.

ok. and here's a picture of me without and with glasses. see? do you
now believe me when i say i look bad in glasses? sigh :/ thank goodness
i don't have to wear them all the time!