when you risk losing everything
you invariably stand to gain eveything.

they say love is one pleasure and a thousand sufferings.
which would you choose, to free yourself from a thousand sufferings,
or otherwise?

happy chinese new year y'all! :)

i love cny.

it's the one time i have the perfect excuse to stuff myself silly with unhealthy cookies and oily bbq pork.
and play silly kiddy games with all my adorable and excitable young cousins.
yes and collect red packets and hear my aunts and uncles say "such a big girl already! last time you were only this tall..." haha. i actually like to hear them tell me stories of myself when i was a kid because they tell me things my parents never told me. hilarious stuff. HAHA!
the only misgiving i have is the excessive blaring of chingchong cny tunes everywhere. but i guess it adds to the whole festive theme, and it's only once a year, so i guess it's alright. anyway my brothers always sing along on purpose and it makes me laugh. :P

i love seeing the whole extended family together under one roof.
it's a heartwarming sight.
at least in these few months that i'm back, i've learnt that family togetherness is so important to me.
relationships are so important in life and living becomes somewhat meaningless if you have no loved ones to live for.
i am so lucky to have people around me who love me and my new year's resolution is to love them as much as i can, especially my family. especially especially wonderful you. <3

my grandad is a quiet man and usually likes to sit alone in a corner during our family gatherings.
once i asked him if he would like to do something instead of sitting alone.
he said, "no, i want to look at all of you."
i didn't quite understand so i asked my mom what he meant.
my mom said my grandad just enjoys watching his children, his sons-/daughters-in-law and his grandchildren all mingling together and having fun in one another's presence.
it's something so simple, yet it makes him happy and content.
maybe that's what i will do when i am as old as my grandad.
i'll sit beside my husband and hold his hand as we look on at our cute chubby grandchildren as they crawl around and amuse themselves.
i would be a very happy old lady. :)

missing you! 23 days to go;
let's count down together.

what a horrid world we live in.
the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
the smart get smarter and the dumb get dumber.
hello?

ohmystars kobe bryant scored 81 against the raptors.
??!! frickin' 81. thats 1.9 points per minute.

my God will carry me through.

all my brokenness
i carry all of my burdens to you

i'm so much afraid
scared out of my mind

oh, sweet Jesus, never ever let me go.

i am hanging on by my last breath
please pray for me
:_(

it wasn't exactly the best day of my life, but yes,
i have learnt (or rather acknowledged) some things about myself:

1. i am so very childish, obstinate, selfish, and proud.
2. because of fact #1, i have upset and hurt those i love.

i am going to try my best to make sure fact #1 becomes history.
whatever it takes i will be a better person for the sake of those who love me unconditionally.

sometimes it feels as though the world has come crashing down.
yet everyday i struggle to remind myself, it's not so bad, it's not so bad.

i could be the happiest girl in the world;
but at the same time i could also be the saddest.
it makes no sense, but it's possible, i'm sure it is.

a billion things racing through my mind,
most of which are thoughts i'm too afraid to entertain.
somehow, i feel so ..blahsdhfkalglf;gkl.
if i'm supposed to be happy, why do i feel this ache in my heart/
why do i feel as though i'm on the brink of losing everything that i ever had
or losing things that i never had;
just one of those days.

i'm so addicted to cashew nuts. i finished the entire tub that was meant for CNY. sh*t.
and before i forget,
please go read deception point by dan brown. it's so exciting and action-packed.
is digital fortress any good? please comment if you've read it.

yay the sunshine is here to stay..
and nick's coming back today!
wahoooo! :)

a trip down memory lane.


gwenda and i paid a visit to RGS. this is us in the cafeteria;
where we reminicised about our pinafore days.


this is our wonderful cafeteria. i love the malay stall best.
it has cheap and good chicken wings.
come every tuesday&thursday, we'd rush down to the stall at recess-
just to get our hands on them, all piping hot and crispy.


this is where the basketball courts used to be; and those are the new courts,
far away hidden behind the new j block.
i miss the good ol' basketball days.. i really do.


this is the bench we used to occupy during training.
we carved our names on it; gwenda spotted my initials.. haha!
i wonder where all my teammates are now.

i love rgs; i had a ball of a time.
i miss those carefree days.
i can't believe our purple nametag has gone 2 cycles-
its been (gasp!) 5 years since we left. :/
---

welcome to RJC.


it is so flippin' huge. see the little flower racks adorning the railings?
they are each adorned by the initials 'RJ'. nice but useless.


this is the canteen. it doesn't look so crowded 'cos it's huge.
and it has flatscreen plasma tvs(also useless), even japanese food (!).
unfortunately the benches & tables are still the same.. cheapskates.


gwenda and i went to find miss chua, but she wasn't in school.
tough luck. :(

i do not heart rj.
i agree with gwenda. the new campus looks so spartan;
and most of all, soul-less.
i can't say i have any feelings for this school, save for some teachers;
and the nice bookshop auntie who gave me a discount.


thank you gwenda for a wonderful day back to school!

i'm freezing and it's not even raining.
i sleep every single night with a blanket over me- no fan, no aircon.
i practically walk around the house with my blanket.
and i'm still so cold. it's so weird.
my dad says i should be resistant to cold, having experienced winter in aus.
yeah, i reasoned. but i'm still cold. is it just me, or is it really cold?

it feels so weird. i feel like my younger brother is now like my older brother after he enlisted in army.
i think the army really makes young boys appear older than they really are.
that said, i hope my brother becomes a wonderful young man.
it's good that army instills discipline in boys so that they don't run amok. and make them learn to fold clothes, polish shoes and do laundry so that they won't have to depend so much on their future wives/mums/maids. haha.
*
hello sky, please stop raining- just for a day at least. pleasepleaseplease! i haven't jogged for like 2 weeks thankyouverymuch. getting flabby. and depressed since it's so gloomy. :(
somehow, even though half the world thinks nicole richie looks like a scarecrow, i think she looks quite good.. emaciated and bony and all. you know, the twiggy kind of look. okay maybe i should be alarmed that i actually feel this way.. haha.

and i heard 'em say
nothing ever promised tomorrow today
nothing lasts forever but be honest babe
it hurts but it may be the only way

it is true when they say that time passes quickly when you are enjoying yourself. and it is always the case when the good times never seem to last but the bad times seem to drag on mercilessly.

i need to get a job or a new hobby to occupy myself. between doing nothing and doing something, i would rather do something. it's funny because when i was in melb, nick and i spent our holidays watching shows and basically bumming around. back home now i am doing somewhat the exact same things, but i feel so utterly miserable. nick is in china now and i miss him so much! i miss being with nick so much and it doesn't even matter if we spent our time being lazybums as long as we were with each other. being with someone you love has the effect of transforming the most mundane moments into the most magical ones. it is always in times like this where i cannot get to see nick, that i tell myself that i must cherish every single minute i have with him. absence makes the heart fonder but i think presence makes the heart fondest.

i miss nick all the time but i miss him the most when i'm happy. because i always feel like my happiness is incomplete without having him to share it with me.

ahwell it's only a month or so before i'm headed back. hurryhurryhurry fast forward to february!

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY XIAOMING!
many happy returns! it's been 8 years since i first met you.. gah now i feel ancient. haha. thanks for being one of my best buddies and for all the wonderful memories.the good ol' times we had at KAP (and my friend thought you were my boyfriend?!! that was hilarious.), how we played basketball together, how you made me laugh with your silly jokes and antics and our latenight phone convos. HAHA. plus our designated tecko day- and you gave me one of those foil balloons (that i still keep with me). thank you so much for everything. i pray that you get to know God better as you enter adulthood, and may He continue to bless and enrich you. i hope you succeed in all your endeavours and bring glory to Him in all that you do!

that said, have a smashing 21st .. love you many many!

insecurities. every relationship is plagued by insecurities. they are like cantankerous weeds that gnaw at the root of relationships, and are watered by doubt and misunderstanding. paranoia thrives on insecurity. slowly but surely, we are being consumed by our irrational fears. irrational fear, in turn, is a terrifying thing. it has the ability to cripple, paralyze and rob away hopes and dreams.

just as God created suffering so that we would draw closer to Him, insecurities also have the effect of drawing people closer to each other. your insecurities show the other party that you care, that you love them and how important they are to you. insecurities let the other party know that you are not taking them for granted. insecurities are not all bad, but they have the potential to cause a great deal of pain and misery.

once we doubt, everything else falls apart. the key to preventing insecurities from overtaking ourselves is to have faith! it may be easier said than done but loving someone means to trust them wholeheartedly, even if at times it may seem impossible or futile. trust is the cornerstone of all relationships, not just romantic ones. our relationship with God is a perfect example of trust.

okay. why do i feel like i am writing a self-help book on relationships. this is quite amusing actually. i call this "the-silly-girl-trying-to-pass-off-as-some-relationship-guru"post. HAHA! but i'm still going to post it and archive it so that i can look back on it next time with my future husband and laugh at myself. LOL =D

i'm so afraid of getting hurt.
i just want to love and be happy.

to me, love is the greatest thing that exists in this world.

before you dismiss me as the typical girl who will fall for romantic declarations and overused lovey-dovey cliches, take a moment to contemplate the things that are important to you. it's true that i am a sucker for hackneyed words, no matter how cheesy they sound. but i fall for them because i know it takes a certain amount of courage for a guy to say it to me, knowing fully well how lame it sounds. and because he wants to make me happy, he will say it even if it torments him. to me, that is love declared and implied at the same time, because it's not just the words that tug at my heartstrings, but the effort behind it as well. it's easy to win me over, because nick says i am soft-hearted and therefore will fall for such tricks. but even tricking someone takes a considerable amount of effort and planning, so even if he says he tricked me (in a good way of course), no matter how easily, i know he had to work for it. therefore in a way i am happily tricked. :D

of course my idea of love also encompasses that of parental love. i think parents love their kids more than themselves. for example, they work so hard to earn money so that they can spend it on their kids. at least that is what my parents do. my mum pays for my stuff when we go shopping together, even if i have my own atm card. my dad pays for my food when we eat together, even if i have money with me. i seldom buy my mum stuff or treat my dad to meals, sadly. i am sure my parents have spent more money on me than on themselves. when i earned my first paycheck, i realised how hard it was to earn money. i could hardly even bear to splurge on myself. and then i wondered how i could bear to splurge on someone else. also, my parents spend so much time on me and my brothers. looking after us, tutoring us, cooking for us.. etc, basically spending all their free time on us at their own expense. imagine coming home from a day's hard work, and then having to check through your children's homework and reading bedtime stories to them. parents spend so much time on their kids such that they have no time for themselves. parents would do a lot of things for their kids, even if it kills them.

the most important love of all is God's love for us. God is our Father and he too, like our mortal parents, loves us unconditionally in spite of our flaws, sins and handicaps. God loves us so much that even if we are broken, we are still whole in spirit. no matter how we angered God or broke His heart, He forgave us and washed away our sins with the blood of His son. that is like a Father torn between saving his drowning son and his son's friend, when he can only save one. and He saved us- His son's friend. every parent loves their child(ren). God loved Jesus too, but he sacrificed His son to save us. how many parents can do that? how many parents would save their son's friend over their own son? but God did that for us, even if we were so unworthy of His love. all we had to do was to come to Him, and in doing so, we became His children, and He became our loving Father. it is easy to love our own kith and kin. it is easy to love someone we know, or someone who seems attractive to us. but it is not easy to love a stranger, a someone whom we have never met or known, or a person who does not seem appealing to us. God loves us all- fat, skinny, tall, short, intelligent, lazy, black, white, pretty or ugly- He loves us all the same. that is why i think there is no love that can supersede that of God's. even if we did not earn that birthright, His love was ours for the taking. and if we make that choice to take up that love, we can look forward to eternal life with God in a paradise called Heaven. even up till now, i continue to be amazed by God's love and grace. it is not something i am in awe of simply because it is so touching, but because i can feel it. the kind of love that washes over you in times of despair, that soothes your broken heart and gives you a hope like no other.. and i feel it.

i know it sounds lame. but love truly is the greatest thing. :)

hello twothousandandsix.

brand new year, same old me.
resolutions to keep, unused junk to discard.
new experiences, new friends, and other new things.. excite me.
yet there is nothing like the familiar feeling of old friends, old times, old photographs.
anyhow, i need to pick up the pieces and move on.
so.. here's to a wonderful new year.
with lots of surprises, hugs and laughter (i hope) and mugging sessions (so i can kick melmel's ass) HAHA :D


Majesty, majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands.

thankyou my Lord,
for hearing my prayers, for always being near me.
*

just wanted to share something nice i read.. enjoy :)

Love me
Love me when I'm old and shocking
Peel off my elastic stockings
Swing me from the chandeliers
Let's be randy bad old dears
Push around my chromed Bath Chair
Let me tease your white chest hair
Scaring children, swapping dentures
Let us have some great adventures
Take me to the Dogs and Bingo
Teach me how to speak the lingo
Bone my eels and bring me tea
Show me how it's meant to be
Take me to your special places
Watching all the puzzled faces
You in shorts and socks and sandals
Me with warts and huge love-handles
As the need for love enthrals
Wrestle with my dampproof smalls
Make me laugh without constraint
Buy me chocolate body paint
Hold me safe throughout the night
When my hair has turned to white
Believe me when I say it's true
I've waited all my life for you.