yesterday's bbq at addie's place was fab! we had lovely satay and chicken and spareribs and salad and honeydew and ferrero thanks to her wonderful maid who bbqed them for us while we stayed in the house to watch spring break 2006 on mtv haha! thanks addie for inviting us :D it was good to see you after 2 whole years! all the best for year 4 and have a safe flight back :)
it was also good seeing ex-basketball teammates like sip and yuying, and also seeing kerk! haha who is in melbourne and is sher's good friend. small small world no? i think i need to start dieting..egad. yesterday i was the only one eating and eating and eating. even sip says i'm a glutton! :/ she thought i was going for a piece of fruit when really i was attacking the spareribs haha! my bottomless pit of a stomach.
i can't wait to go back to melb. the weather here is so ghastly :( 11 more days!
a day spent with nick today :) we ate the kuishinbo buffet for lunch. i think i ate so much i felt like bursting. i am such a glutton. :/ then we went back to his place and watched a lot of grey's. haha! yeah, bumming is our favourite pasttime.
anyway time spent with nick is always good. he makes me so very happy and having him around makes me realise how thankful i am for his love and company. :)
eleanor: el nino says: i feel like sometimes over the past years i've become cynical eleanor: el nino says: i used to be so idealistic Jezzar says: oh well, as you get to see more of what happens in real life...can't help but feel, everything isnt as you would like it to be eleanor: el nino says: yeah.. spot on
ok i'm in a ponderous mood right now, if you'll excuse me. is knowing the real, absolute truth important? what if knowing the truth wouldn't exactly make things any different; then would it really matter that much? or do we all disregard the truth when we can't bear to speak it; if so, is that why we all lie?
and lastly, would you rather know the truth and get hurt; or would you rather thrive on untruths.. if they could make you happy?
these days i find i really don't know what is going on anymore. the worst thing is, i don't even want to know what is going on. i wonder why i had to come back. i wish i stayed. i just want to be on the next flight back to melbourne. but i have responsibilities and obligations that i cannot shirk. the easy and selfish way out seems so inviting! but yet i know i can't, and it would be so wrong to take it.
in times like this i feel like i can't ever be certain of anything else but God. i don't know who else to turn to but You. and my faith will not waver, because You will not forsake me. i will never understand why things like that happen, but i do know that You are in control. i'm keeping my chin up, and tomorrow will be a better day.
it's my mum's XXth birthday today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM Y anyway i haven't uploaded the pics yet, so that will have to come later. i promise i will upload it as soon as i can get my bum off the chair to get the usb cable hehe!
meanwhile, to compensate for the lack of current pics, here are some postdated pictures for your viewing pleasure:
first up! my two weeks on attachment in Moe, a rural town:
skyline//tractor//cows//long & winding road
with yus & kai//kai! :)//with kai & fad on the stairs
i survived rural thanks to kai, my roomie for 2 weeks! who is ever so disciplined in her diet.. and who stopped me from excessive snacking haha! and fad, who actually brought a skipping rope and we had such a fun skipping sesh in our dorm! and thank goodness for people like yus and ajis who drove us around :) that's how i got through a boring 2 weeks in cow-and-sheep land.
ok and next up are some pics of my cell group surprising me one week before my birthday at my house. i look very very unglam because i was in pjs! haha! but it was really nice of them though i loved every minute of it :)
jack with the cake & sparklers//lucky girl with two cute housemates//cake time with sher and jack//nick & i
ok this photo deserves a stand-alone because i think its absolutely HILARIOUS. we all look so idiotic, except sher who looks pretty normal in there! HAHAHA :D it's like my desktop wallpaper now, roflol
ok, that's enough pics for the moment! i am a happy girl tonight. goodnight world!
argh! blogger deleted my post and i have to type it out all over again :(
anyway, i had a pair of specs made today! i've never worn specs in my entire life and yes, i really do look bad in them. but yeah, i used to get away without having to wear specs for 21 years until i discovered i couldn't see the screen in lectures :( my right eye's pretty normal but my left eye is way too bad, 125ish degrees i think?! so it was quite exciting, i got my eyes tested and picked my frames; so after 15 minutes of trying on specs of all shapes and sizes and colours, i finally decided on this rectangular one and the funniest part is that it's red. omgosh i kinda regret it now because i don't know if i can pull it off. i hope nick doesn't vomit or choke when he sees me in glasses haha! anyway, i need to get used to seeing myself in specs, and wearing them for that matter. i think it's kind of funny having to balance something on your nose! well, not that i'll be wearing them 24/7; only in lectures when i absolutely can't see. haha :/
i bought a top sometime ago, and this is what the cute tag had to say:
"but i cannot marry the mole!" the beautiful mouse cried in despair. "what on earth shall i do?" in her grieved stupor, she stumbled on a corncake and fell in a heap on the ground, and continued falling, deeper and deeper, until she rolled no more. a little thud echoed in the hollow. through the darkness, she heard a gentle voive, as comforting as the cool earth beneath her dainty mice feet, beckoning, she heard the single strike of a match light, lo and behold, appeared a halo illuminating the sweetest brown face "do not be afraid, my dear. it is i, mr. mole." her tiny heart gleamed with surprise, for it was love at first sight.
i've been reading Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge, albeit at a veryveryvery slow pace. it's a really good book that really speaks to the core of my heart. it makes me feel quite sad sometimes that i can identify with the tough stuff in the book yet comforted in a sense, because i can relate to it and also because i know there are many women out there who are in the same situation. the more i read the more exposed i feel. suddenly i begin to realise how needy i am, how much i desire to be loved and delighted in, and how much i want to be beautiful and lovely. it's embarrassing for me to say this on a public blog but it's really true and i don't want to pretend anymore. i love being appreciated and cared for and i love being in a romance and i love being the girl of someone's dreams. when i don't get what i want, i feel disappointed. the feeling is immense, and sometimes consuming. i hate that! ergh! i just want to be a nice and kind person who is liked by all and most importantly someone who radiates God's presence and blessings. but it just seems so hard, especially when you have been wounded and it's hypocritical to pretend. i know it's unrealistic to hope that a book would change my life but it has definitely impacted me in some way and i very much want to take a step forward though. i realise it's not what i want that matters so much but rather what God wants for me.
i know one day i will see the big picture. and i won't wait until that day to be happy, because if i don't start now i never will be! so i will try my best to smile and be thankful for everything, even if it hurts. because God is always in my heart and that is reason enough to be joyful :)
met nick(tan) today for the first time in eons! haha we had sushi tei and i love the sashimi salad! thanks for introducing it to me- i am not a fan of veggies but i gobbled up most of it, so there. yum! :)
then we walkedwalkedwalked around orchard.. the GSS was not as good as expected :( got a pair of heels, a tube top, then i dragged nicktan to borders with me to get myself a nice notebook to scribble in. i felt quite bad for making him walk all over the place with me, especially when he said he wanted to watch world cup! haha. but he was real nice! hehe and my self-phototaking skills pwns his like mad! haha. my skill has been perfected through taking narcissistic self-shots with the camera teeheehee! yeah i know, i'm a vainpot.
i got psychoed into donating money to one of those charities again. i don't even know if those charities are like for real, or whether they're part of some scam. but yeah the auntie was literally begging me, i couldn't say no. and nicktan walked away leaving me to tackle the auntie by myself, so i lost the fight and surrendered my money. this must be like the 156329th time i succumbed to such things/scams in orchard. ergh.
oh yeah. and we bumped into lulu (llewellyn) and serena at borders. then i bumped into joanne on the train on the way home. she still remembers me! haha. i'm glad i wasn't forgotten it sucks when people can't even remember that you barely existed. ok longlonglong post i'm tired and my punctuation is weird nick finishes his last paper tomorrow i'm so glad for him! YAY :D
yesterday i went to sentosa! and i really think siloso is overcrowded. and aussie beaches are way nicer! but yeah, good to see some sand and sea once in a while.
i hope i get a job.. i hate bumming! gah :/ i wonder if the GSS is any good. i haven't exactly trooped down to orchard as yet but i will.. soon. haha. i want to get a new dress for my cousin's wedding but i don't know if my mum will kill me. (because i already have two new dresses) and i want a white one! haha. need to think about what to get nick for his birthday haha it's quite a headache getting stuff for someone who already has pretty much everything! and i'm having problems thinking of what to get him that will be uniquely special and one of a kind. but yeah i'll get to it :)
i miss my independence! i really do. over here i'm feel like a little girl and i'm already 21! i love being carefree and unfettered. over here i just feel a little restrained and sheltered but anyways its good to bask in lots of familial love and indulge in local delicacies. my grandaunt keeps asking me to eat like every 5 secs and she doesn't believe me when i say i've eaten (?!) haha.
alright, i'm free from now till 10 jul! please ask me out even if we haven't met for ages! i really would love to catch up with you all. REALLY. :) leave a comment here or email me ok?
i'm home! after a 7half hour crappy flight.. :/ but yes it's good to be home in one piece. i didn't do much today, i was quite the bum. called up a few schools to ask about any vacancies for relief teaching, and emailed my resumes to a couple. i jogged today! first time in 1.5 months. i was flat out tired in like 10 mins which is a sign that i need to exercise more haha. then i went to eat roti prata with my family, which totally killed the calories i struggled so hard to burn today. i had an oily rice dumpling in the morning, roast pork rice for lunch, a chocolate croissant for tea, oreos for snackfood, and roti prata and mee goreng for dinner. my parents are seriously trying to fatten me up. hehe. i shall have to delay my diet plans till next week, after i've had my fill of local delicacies. one thing random about today- i used conditioner! and some l'oreal hair mask. my hair, which used to be a knotted mass of hay, now feels relatively softer and smoother. yay! i think sherlynn would approve *winkwink* ugh! it's only been one day in singapore and i miss aus already. to put it more aptly i miss my life in aus and my housemates and room and of course, nick, who is studying very hard for exams now. i can't wait for sher and nick to come home. and for my brother to book out. gah! i've been watching lots of grey's anatomy. i love burke! he is so methodical and cool. plus he can cook a turkey roast! haha. but his dewey decimal system of books is quite freaky. and i think karev is such a jerk to break izzy's heart. seriously. :/ ok back to grey's ..and family guy. missing you all my fellow atlantics! good luck for exams and hang in there my dears! keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Y
it's over! phew. now i can breathe a little easier. i'm 30% on my way to becoming a doctor! (i mean houseman haha) yeah anyway, they were kind to us and gave us a pretty alright paper, but i will allow myself to mess this paper up because i hadn't enough time to study at all because of all the crappy assignments we had. ugh. but i don't really care its overrrrr !!! and i'm going for the country road sale with nick tomorrow morning yay :)
i'm gonna touch down in singapore on 15th june at 10plus pm! a little excited to be home yet dreading to leave aus. i feel so bad for leaving nick behind to face the exams by himself, but what do i do when my dad wants me back so soon? :/
anyway, see you my loves when i get back. email me if you wanna meet up!
ke ai nu ren by jay chou. i'm crazy over this song. it's currently on my itunes repeat mode and i think it's on its 1034th run. HAHA! go download if you haven't already!
today was like the day for foul moods. i didn't get much sleep the night before- 4 hours or so; and when i don't get enough sleep. i turn into the grumpiest most irritable creature ever. and i was reading notes on sleep apnoea, a condition that involves interuppted sleep due to periods of not breathing. and the more i read, the more irritated i got. really! :S i'm telling you sleep is so precious. i love my bed <3 (ok out of point). anyway my mood has improved tremendously after a short nap and a nice warm shower. and also a nice meal of linguine, pancakes, gelati and chocolate mudcake (thanks robin+cellgroup!) i think the only way to placate me if i'm irritated is by way of sweet desserts. works almost all of the time. haha!
anyway i want to tell you guys about my OSCE. OSCE is like a clinical skills practical, for those unfamiliar with the term. it was hilarious i tell you. i screwed up so badly the examiner and i laughed at my mistakes.
so i had to do a cardiovascular exam on a patient. and i did everything in great detail, like look at the fingers, face, neck, read his pulse, felt his chest for heaves and thrills yaddayadda. basically i did everything- except listen to his heartbeats with the stethoscope- which is like the GIVEN for cardio exams. HAHA.
ok here goes #2. i did a urine dipstick test without putting on gloves. the patient laughed. :/ last year i did CPR without gloves. every year i forget to put on gloves- not because i'm unhygenic!- but because i'm nervous and excited.. okay.
and CPR was like the usual pump pump pump, breathe into dummy. but yeah as usual, i was panting. i hope i never have to adminster CPR in real life. i think i would die of exhaustion first. haha!
i make such a bad/questionable doctor-to-be. :(
ok i need to go mug now, exam in like 4 days (egaaaad :/). tooodles!
nick actually designed the bag and drew the butterfly on the bag for me! i think it looks really nice! and it's so bright and cheery! the best part is, i'm the only person in the whole wide world who owns this bag and when i carry it it will always remind me of him. i am so glad he didn't get me one of those store bought items that half the world has. he said he was sorry it wasn't an LV but i don't care much for LV now that i have a personalized bag from my favourite person in the world. i am so loving it! :)
and i must say that i'm really really blessed. thank God for a wonderful 21 years!
my awesome cell group surprised me on friday night at my house with a cake and sparklers and i've got such a spiffy new bag and a wonderful boyfriend and a letter from my dear family! :)
i think i have been too naive all this while. maybe there is no such thing as unconditional love in the secular world. people change. people love you differently if you have changed. people love you less because you have done them wrong. people love you more because you have done them good. i thought unconditional love means loving without condition; to love even if you are hurt, even if you are angry, even if the person in question is mean/disgusting/hurtful/irritating etc. to love them the same- or maybe more, but no less.
i will admit that it's not easy. it is so hard for me to love my brother the same after he has read the contents of my diary. it is so very difficult for me to forgive and love a friend who has betrayed my trust. maybe there are just too many people who have been too horrible to deserve unconditional love. or maybe there are too many people who don't love deeply enough. either way, this world is a sad place.
before you think i have turned completely cynical, no- i haven't. i still believe that one form of unconditional love exists, aside from God's. that is parental love. i know my parents will always love me. they don't even have to tell me or do anything to show it. because in my heart i have this confidence that they always will. unconditionally.
maybe i don't deserve unconditional love but i do know i am loved. so let that be enough.
